(14) Japan : "The Birds"

I was attacked by a crow last December. At first, I thought it was just the bird's natural response to my getting too close to its nest. However, closer analysis that I have performed since the attack has led me to a dire conclusion: there is a conscious crow conspiracy to take over Tokyo. These black birds of terror must be stopped before it is too late.
The conspiracy has been successful so far because covert crow actions have been masked to seem like instinctive behavior. Take, for instance, my recent duel with one of these evil creatures. Although it seemed as if the bird was just protecting its nest, this is not true. If it had been, sparrows, swallows and pigeons would also be dive-bombing us. Obviously, the crows attack people with the sole intent of inducing lethal concussions.
Crows have also recognized the impact of disabling Tokyo's transportation. Recently, the Shinkansen has faced trouble with rocks laid on their tracks by the avian menace. They clearly intend to kill hundreds of commuters and paralyze Japan's train network. Crows are also known to lay walnuts in the street. Although naive naturalists see this as only a way to crack open the nut, the fact of the matter is that the birds are practicing for their day of revolution, when they will use not walnuts but contact explosives.
Crows are not stymied by morals and have even turned to biological warfare. Scientists have confirmed that they often specifically target humans when they defecate. That's right, each one of these black beasts is a tactical bomber, ready to deliver its payload of toxic bombs on unsuspecting victims. Crows spread garbage all over the street due to a similar motive. It is not so much that they want to eat it; their real goal is to cause a massive outbreak of bubonic plague in Tokyo. No one is safe.
Many people think that crows are just stupid birds. However, they are very intelligent and are capable of communicating with each other. Researchers have discovered the meanings of various calls. Kaaa means "go away". KaaaKaaaaa means "there is food here." I expect they will soon learn the meanings of more complex phrases. For example, KaaaKaKaaaaaa may mean "derail that train," and Kaaaaaakaka could be "kill those school children and eat them."
So, you may ask, how come the crows haven't taken over yet? The truth is that they are still building up their armies. According to the Urban Bird Society of Japan, crow population has tripled over the past fifteen years. Soon, they will have the numbers to ruthlessly exterminate every Tokyo resident.
We must act now, while we still have hope. Present anti-crow measure, such as putting nylon nets over garbage, are horribly inadequate because they fail to recognize the true threat. The best measure would be for the Japanese government to declare war on the crows and mobilize tanks and fighters. However, even if Article 9 of Japan's Peace Constitution makes this action impossible, there are other steps that could be taken. I propose an immediate lifting on Tokyo's crow hunting ban, and establishing a 1000 yen reward for each crow captured or killed, a tactic that has been used with success in Okinawa to combat the poisonous habu snake.
In addition, a program to popularize the consumption of crows would be effective. In its current recession, Japan would welcome a cheaper white meat. Imagine: Kentucky Fried Crow. Instead of a threat to our lives, crow could be an inexpensive source of protein.
As I speak, crows across Tokyo are planning their violent coup d'etat. They have already taken the first steps, through aerial attacks and transportation sabotage, to wipe out the human race. If we do not kill these cruel, clever, and cunning crows now, all will be lost.


Lombardo, 2000


CROWS IN JAPAN